Cuz this might be a long one. Don’t feel guilty about snackin’ while reading. A one-day-a-week splurge is great for the metabolism. That said, I’m munching on deep-fried slices of pepper jack cheese. I’m talkin’ cheese dipped in egg then breaded with crushed pork rinds and assorted seasonings, fried for one minute to a crispy golden goodness, and dunked in salsa. I cannot even begin to tell y’all how great these things taste. I won’t bore ya with a picture of ‘em though. You can see just how impressed Sammie Sad Eyes was:
Puppy porn at its finest … I should be arrested.
I’ve wondered a bit lately if I reveal too much in my blog about my personal life. I’ve thought about closing up da BeastShop here and just keeping a personal journal cuz the writing is, without a doubt, extremely therapeutic for me so I don’t want to give it up entirely. Then I realized how many times in just as many years’ past I’ve tried to keep a journal; most handwritten attempts were thrown by the wayside after just one incredibly messy entry. So then I downloaded a diary software program, thinking that being able to type my thoughts out would save me from my own illegible handwriting that I’d never be able to read again. Also, typing would allow me to get my thoughts and ideas down much more quickly. Again, just one entry into my “desktop diary” and I never went back. Sharing my thoughts, however, just feels right.
While I can’t proclaim to know with any certainty why I was born, I still believe I was born for a very specific reason and that I am being led by a higher power. Things have not, by any means, gone as I had planned or even hoped since I left my job last November and embarked on this Unleash da Beast kick. While I realize some of the stuff I share might make me appear unstable and certainly does not always shed the best light on me, I just can’t shake the feeling that I am doing what I was called to do. Hey, I’ve always said it was worth it if I was helping just one person. Guess what? I am helping one person … me! Mission accomplished.
I got a message on my blog this week from someone I’m not terribly close to but who has been involved in my “recovery” from addiction in the past that said, “I know I”m Bipolar……..your blog really exposes your mood swings…just saying….” I don’t disturb easily, but I was grateful for and at the same time disturbed by those words.
When I was treated at the Balsam Center in 2005, I was convinced I was bipolar and even managed to convince the doc I was too. I don’t know if I am or not, but I do know one thing … like many who suffer from the disease, I stopped taking the meds once I felt better, which is absolutely NOT the right thing to do. I reckon perhaps the same goes for depression, which is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. So why stop the antidepressant meds just cuz you feel better, when you only feel better cuz the meds helped bring the chemicals back into balance?! I’m now realizing whatever meds I do need, I need to take them for the rest of my life.
Back in 2005, I committed myself to an institution to save my life … I had suicidal ideation with a clear-cut plan. That is where my head was at. The drinking was secondary and not a big a problem in my denying eyes. My writings reveal that I had absolutely no desire to quit drinking alcohol. I just didn’t want to die. I used to be a news junky, frequently visiting news websites throughout each day and always had a news channel on as background noise in the house. I’d be damned if I was gonna off myself and miss out on what’s gonna happen in the world. I needed HELP!
Things have really changed in da BeastHouse since 2005. I don’t even have cable or satellite TV and can’t get the local channels here in the valley. No live-streaming news on my supa-sized television. One thing that hasn’t changed is my dependence on the drink. But I have some good news and a ton of hope. It’s a slow process, but I am finally realizing that if I don’t toss the sauce, it will be the end of me. I say that I am realizing that and I am, slowly but surely, but this e-mail response from a friend to what I’m about to tell y’all caught me off guard. She said, “So happy you are going to live.”
Live?! That’s not what my e-mail to her said. Hell, I’m a healthy, middle-aged woman who works out; of course I’m gonna live! But she’s been around the addicted enough to know what she is talking about. My e-mail to her simply said that I have been accepted into a 43-day inpatient rehabilitation program and that I believed it would provide the foundation I need on which to build a life of sobriety … ABSOLUTely no access to alcohol for 6 weeks as well as intensive counseling, group milieu, and more insight into the 12-step program, which is something that scares me but something I know I need to conquer.
Baby steps … the first step is hope … I got this.